Okay, so that may not be news to anyone who knows me but really, I think I'm getting better with age. Lately though, I've wondered about one crappy personality trait that has reared it's ugly head. I have spent so much time thinking about how to overcome this because it really alters my behavior. I find it so disturbing that I can accomplish so much, try so hard and still find serious faults in myself. And not only that, I feel that others notice them equally visibly as well. What bothers me the most is that my insecurity causes me to be defensive to any who appears judgemental or threatening. It alters everything when it flares up and I find that navigating life at those times seems excruciatingly daunting. It's hard to know when to stick up for an idea or plan when I'm so concerned about what other people think. It's irritating to feel the constant need to prove myself.
Looking back, I'm making great strides but I know there is a long path of self evaluation and growth ahead. I envy those who feel confident without personal quid pro quo. I know that people like that exist because I've met them and had this conversation. It is my ultimate goal to someday wake up and feel like I'm good enough and centered enough that I can be the force of good I want to be. Until then, I'll keep doing my best to learn from my mistakes and congratulate myself on the awesome things I can do.
5 comments:
Does anyone really feel 100% confident about everything all the time? I doubt it. I know, I struggle with this myself. I know a lot of people who are so willing to judge. I had someone tell me recently to buck it up because everyone judges, get use to it. How cynical! And just because everyone judges doesn't mean it's right! We are all judgemental about something, I'm well aware of that. But you will never see me judge another mother...I know how hard parenting can be. I try to cling tightly to this verse because it was written for me. :) Maybe for you, too. Anyway, it's Galatians 1:10, "Am I now trying to win the approval of mean, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." You are a great mom, wife, lady, and friend Miss Lula Mae! And you are definitely not alone in your insecurities (read my first ever post!). If you were perfect and didn't have anything to work on to better yourself, I wouldn't want to be your friend. HA HA!
Annie
Annie, thanks for the encouragement and kindness. In reality I know other people struggle with this too but sometimes I just forget. Thanks for the scripture, it is exactly right.
That is a great scripture that Annie left. I am going to try to remember it next time I am beating myself up over something that I feel I fell sort on.
Argh! I spelled "men" wrong in the verse I just posted! That frustrates me! I can't figure out how to go back and edit a comment. Well, glad you were able to understand even with my bad spelling. :)
I could not have articulated my recent struggles more accurately than you did in this post. I'm sometimes so ashamed that I have worked so HARD and so long on a particular insecurity and it STILL haunts me. Wow, it's a lot of work to even just think about it. But, prevail we must and conquer we will!
Post a Comment