I've been exploring Facebook over the past few weeks and have been connected with my old high school graduating class. I will be completely honest, I have avoided all association with high school since I graduated. But during a bout of curiosity, I Googled my best friends name and found her phone number. As I sat staring at my computer, all the avoided feelings of high school came rushing back. It's weird, sitting here at my desk and remembering the grey skies coming out to the parking lot after classes. The smell of the moss on the cement in the quad at lunch. The rain, always the rain (I went to HS in Washington state). I remember the sheen of my headlights on the asphalt at night driving home from games. Most (worst) of all, I remember the undying urge to be popular, the need to be adored. The constant friction between wanting to fit in and wanting to be myself.
There are some key people in my memories. Some are fond, others not so much. It's a funny paradox, wanting to see them again and hoping to never see them again. I wonder, do other members of my class have this aversion to their high school memories or is it just me?
In a few weeks I will be visiting my parents who still live in the home where I basically grew up. Every time I go back I wonder- who will I see at the store? Will I run into an old friend? Will they think I've changed?
I want to scream out "Look at me, I'm so much smarter than I was then! I know who I am and she's somebody who is settled and happy." I guess there is still that need to be accepted by those same friends and part of me that is still afraid of not being accepted. But the rest of me realizes that The best thing about being this far out is that now I know if I were to run into someone I had not seen for years their reaction would not change who or what I am now. I have atoned for my high school mistakes with the life I am living. There are strange ideas about how I left high school that I have carried with me for a long time but as I write this post I realize I have carried this silly ideology with me for far too long. I am just grateful that the best part of my life is yet to come and isn't something that has already passed.
1 comment:
Okay, this SO surprises me. First of all, when I left you just before 6th grade, you were part of the popular group! You weren't in high school? I'm shocked. But I understand your feelings far too well. I worry about being accepted, STILL. Not necessarily with the people I knew in high school, but with people from my children's schools or from church, etc. Kudos to you for coming so far! I wish I could grow up and not worry about what others think. In fact, maybe I'll make that my New Year's resolution! I am getting closer, so I guess that is some progress! You have so much to show for yourself and so much to be proud of! Anyone would be able to see that!
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