I've Got to be Number One Somehow

I have one of those nifty little stat trackers on my page. I like to check it out every once in a while to see where people are coming from and what pages people read. Out of curiosity I checked to see what Google search term folks were using to find my page. (Hold on, I'm laughing really hard right now...) Okay, so, the 27 percent of the folks who find me from Google type in the search term...wait for it.... "German Insults"! Yes, that's right! I am on page two of the Google results about half way down. So here is my challenge to you all- I want to see if I can be the number one "German Insults" result on Google. If you have a minute, conduct a Google search with that phrase and select my blog. I figure it's good for a laugh. Oh and, Haben Sie ein guten tag!

Gardner's Moon

I showed the Gardner's Moon today. I feel as though I should put a sign up in my yard for 24 hours before I work outdoors that reads: "Warning! Fat lady will be bending over out here tomorrow!" I feel that that would only be courteous as I do like most of my neighbors. As I was bending and moving today I chuckled to myself imagining the view from across the street. Oh well, the yard looks pretty.

International Body

As I was showering this morning I realized that my time in the sun is made manifest on my body. Looking down at my skin color I realized that my arms look like they're from Brazil when my bum looks like it's from Alaska. Ah, the early spring farmers tan, gotta love it.

Time Filler

Just for fun....

Your Noble British Name Is:

Lady Jenny Synge Ironside

What's Your Noble British Name?

Nothing Brilliant

I've called a repair man to fix my microwave. He should be here sometime between the hours of one o'clock and three o'clock. That works great for me because, well really I have nothing else to do today besides stay at home and wait. (That last bit was dripping with sarcasm in case you missed it.) I'm almost giddy about the prospects of doing a plumber's butt expose but I will restrain myself. After all, he's only a microwave guy. I really would have to say that my experience with repair men has been pretty good. Typically they get the job done fast and without any big to do. Unfortunately I think that I've called some of them so many times I've developed a reputation. The last time my plumber visited he was joking about my ineptitude on the phone with another one of his plumbing buddies. I need to set the record straight here, it's not me, it's my husband. Seriously, my husband, bless his white collar heart, couldn't put a puzzle together! Even if the pieces were numbered. His first response is "get someone to fix that" whenever something breaks down. Now to many women this would be a dream, I know. I'm sure you are scratching your head thinking what's her problem? Well let me tell you! It's not easy being the laughing stock of the plumbing/electrician's community. Seriously, hubby says call the plumber and he's off to work. I'm the one who has to answer the door, make small talk and corral the kids all while smiling as the repair man tells me "see here, it just wasn't turned on." (honestly, that's happened.) I'm the one who gets the goofy laugh when they pull corn dog sticks from the disposal. I'm the one who has to explain that we put the faucet in ourselves so I can see why it's leaking now. See, it's rough!

So to all you women with DIY hubbies, take it from me, it's not all wine and roses for us with inept spouses. We suffer!

The Mommy Mind

My friend and I were discussing the phenomenon of the "Mommy Mind" the other day. It's what happens to your brain when you have children. (This transformation happens irregardless of offspring being biological or adopted.) Here are some things that are signs you have a "Mommy Mind".

1: You know that house slippers can buy you four days between floor cleanings.
2: You know your child has a messy diaper before anyone else can smell it.
3: You consider "Goodnight Moon" good poetry and can recite from memory.
4: You know "why".
5: You figure if it's clean, it's in fashion.
6: You spend more on gas than on beauty products.
7: You know a band aid can work miracles and can unwrap and place with one movement
8: You can tell the difference between Pokemon and Digimon and know that Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus are the same person
9: You know the function of Psuedoephedrine, Acetamenophin and Ibuprofen
10: You can recite your pediatrician's phone number faster than your own

Boobie Dippinhump

I love this funny exercise!
We all need a little stress reliever! This only takes a minute.
Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. If we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not.


The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny.

So:-Follow the instructions to find your new name.

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:

a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
G = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
J = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
P = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dink y
z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
U = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
F = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
R = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice

Make sure to share your new name with all of us! Sincerely, Boobie Dippinhump!

Insults......In German?

I have decided to have a German interpreter with me as well. This I feel would be far more effective for hurling angry comments at those who annoy me.

Look at me, building my own entourage. I might have to consider wardrobe changes.

Bad News........In French

I've decided that I will now be accompanied by a french interpreter at all times. I believe this will be a much more pleasant way of getting bad news. (You never know when it will hit you.) I figure, once I've heard unpleasant information in my native tongue the negativity of the event will be lessened by the repetition of said information in the sweet sound of the soft french language. (I'd even settle for Portuguese if no french interpreter were to be found.) I suppose this is my equivalent of wearing rose colored glasses but far more fun. Yes, I believe this will be a very welcome addition to my life. At the very least, I'll have someone to carry my purse.

Stolen Idea

Fast Payday Loans

Stole this idea from Lisa. I'm feeling relieved to be in the same class. It must be because I read her blog.

Dim Committment?

My husband surprised me by putting up the Christmas lights last Saturday. (he's standing behind me telling me to add "a major feat of husbandry"). He told be he wanted to show me how much he loved me. He topped that by taking me on a date. When we returned home I saw the display of his handy work as we had left the lights on accidentally. Here's what I saw:


Should I question his commitment?